My best friend
by icedgem
Summary: Sirius reflects on his friendship with James.


September 1st 1971 was the day I met him. I was on Platform 9 ¾ and remember my mum babbling on about something to do with honouring the 'Black' legacy and being sorted into Slytherin. Desperate to get away, my eyes wandered around the platform and I found myself looking at a boy around my age. He wore round glasses and despite looking well cared for he had an untidy look about him, probably due to his hair sticking up at the back of his head. His mother was hugging him tightly and I remember feeling very sorry for him as he looked extremely desperate to get away from her clutches. It was then that he glanced around, caught me looking at him and rolled his eyes as if to show that he was embarrassed by the fussing.

Ten minutes later we were sitting in the same compartment, introducing ourselves, unaware that we were bonded for life.

Throughout our years of Hogwarts we continued to grow closer. People could not understand how we never got sick of each other, but that was the beauty of our friendship. The longer we spent with one another the more we realised there was no one else we would rather spend time with. In our second year I recall the time when we found out Remus was a werewolf. James approached me in the dormitory and told me his suspicions. He said that I was the first person he came to because "he knew he could trust me and that I would never judge Remus." Peter was the problem. When Remus finally admitted his 'furry little problem' to us, Peter was terrified. It was only after me and James talked to him for hours that he finally came around. Remus said we made quite the pair.

The first time James properly hugged me was at the end of third year when we had gotten off the Hogwarts express. We'd had plenty of close moments with slaps on backs, but we never hugged. I mean, who did? Sure girls hugged all of the time, but guys didn't. We were the Marauders and had a reputation to withhold. We couldn't be seen getting all emotional like girls now, could we?! But the end of third year was different. I had been unhappy on the train because the end of a school year meant another summer with no contact with my friends, and days spent with my pure-blood maniac family. Although I tried to keep up appearances on the train and stay happy, James saw right through it. He helped me get my luggage off the train and before I knew what had happened, he hugged me tightly for a few seconds and promised to write lots. That hug shifted things and was the first of many hugs we shared. It seems even the Marauders could let their guard down for a while.

Of course we held many pranks over the seven years at Hogwarts. One of the best includes the time where we convinced the giant squid in the Black Lake to fall in love with Snape. His face when it pulled him in the lake and wouldn't let him go was priceless! We laughed about that for weeks, although we did soon put an end to it as we thought that even the squid should not have the misfortune of being with Snivellus for too long. Another good prank was when Peter turned into his animagus form of a rat and we set him loose in History of Magic. To be fair it was the most boring lesson and we wanted to spice it up. Too be honest I think James just wanted to look courageous and save Lily. In the end however Lily called him an "arrogant toerag", accused him of showing off and told a very unhappy James that she was not even afraid of rats. Bad luck Prongs! He was upset, but never stopped trying to charm her. Whatever you wanted to say about James you could not deny that he wasn't persistent. I think my favourite prank of all time though was when we brewed up some polyjuice potion and slipped it into the professors' tea at breakfast. We turned each of the professors into another teacher and for an entire hour students were constantly mixing them up. Professor McGonagall was furious and had suspicions with us from the moment it had happened. James and I thought we were going to get into some real trouble, however Professor Dumbledore intervened and said that it was "harmless" and "gave the castle some life". So in the end we only got a few detentions! Of course they split us up, but we used our two-way mirrors under the desk to correspond to one another. Remus was right - me and James did always make the best team.

One night when the moon was at its fullest and we were waiting for Remus to finish his transition, me and James were sitting by a fire. It was a freezing cold evening and we were huddled under a blanket. As the night grew on our relatively light conversation had turned into a deep one. We confessed things to each other that we have never told anyone else and too this day I still remember the relief at having someone listen to you and never judge. I told him how much I hated my family and that I was worried that I would end up turning out like them. He told me how he was worried that Lily would never like him and during the night we reassured each other. It was then that James said I could always stay at his if things got that bad and said that "no matter what family I came from, he was glad that he sat next to me on the train to Hogwarts." I tried to give him advice with Lily, though I'm not sure how much I helped as we were both arrogant berks back then! At that moment he said that he had "never felt as close to anyone as he did right now." I don't really know how it happened but we seemed to move nearer to one another and suddenly we pressed our lips together. It only lasted a few seconds and at the time it just seemed the necessary thing to do. We never told anybody though as we knew they could misunderstand. It was nothing to do with having 'hidden' feelings for each other, it was just to do with wanting to be close to someone and trying to get across how much they meant to you.

When I turned up on James' doorstep the summer after fifth year, there were no questions asked. He simply let me stay without even needing an explanation – I think he knew that this had been coming for a long time. He made me hot chocolate, we went up to his room and he made a bed up for me. James had always been able to read me like a book and he realised that I didn't want to talk about it, so he talked to me about anything that would take my mind off of it. A quick hug was all that suggested that anything out of the ordinary had happened. That night I'd never been more grateful for his friendship.

In seventh year when Lily finally agreed to go out with James, he burst into the dormitory and hugged me. At first I had no idea what was going on. It took a little while to calm him down before he could string his words together properly. When he finally said "Me...Lily...Hogsmeade…Saturday" I must admit I was a little shocked, although delighted for him at the same time. On the morning of his date I gave him some well needed advice and me and Remus waved goodbye to him as he set off with a slight spring in his step. Remus chuckled and as we made our way down to Hogsmeade I thoroughly hoped that they got on well together. It was clear that Lily would be good for James.

Fortunately later that day as I was walking back through the large doors of Hogwarts, an excited James tapped me on the shoulder. His hair looked more ruffled than ever, but his eyes shone with happiness. Over dinner we talked about his day and it was clear that he had a good time. I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous as I knew that we would be spending less time together and I would probably come second now. I think James noticed this as he clasped my hand and told me that we would always be best friends and that he would care about me as much as he would Lily. A grin rose on my face and we continued with our conversation about Hogsmeade.

The day of graduation was one of the rare days I felt like crying. This was it - it was all over. No more days spent by the lake, no more glorious meals, no more pranks in the hallways. Merlins beard…he would even miss some of the teachers! As I packed my trunk many things made me think of all of the great memories I had there. I found letters from James and Remus, my two-way mirror (perfect for detentions), my penknife, some Zonkos parcels and even some parchment with prank ideas on. So many great times had been spent at Hogwarts! As I made my way downstairs I remember Lily hugging me tightly and I was glad that she had warmed up to me these last few years. James was behind her and even he had tears in his eyes (he never could admit that he was crying.) As everybody said 'goodbye' to each other, the future seemed so bright. He was Sirius Black. He had escaped his family and could do anything he wanted. The possibilities were endless.

When James told me that he was proposing to Lily I was ecstatic for him. It was obvious she would say 'yes'; they were meant for one another. However until James had mentioned it I had never thought of who would be best man. When he asked me, he had an almost vulnerable look in his expression as if he actually thought I would turn the offer down. I hugged him and we jumped up and down for a few moments – too excited to say anything. James said that he actually rethought the whole marriage thing when Lily had asked him who he wanted to be best man. He said he thought it would be obvious to everyone.

On James' stag night (me and Remus had a laugh at that) we all shared memories of our friendship. There was nothing spectacular to the night; just some firewhisky with my two best friends. But it was better than you could have imagined. We spent hours going over our fondest moments such as the pranks we had pulled and all of the laughs we had shared. Sometime during this time we had all got a bit tipsy and I looked around to find Remus having already fallen asleep. Me and James sat on the sofa to continue our conversation and it turned out to be one of the more meaningful conversations we ever shared. I still remember it entirely to this day.

"Most people from school have lost contact now, I'm so glad we never did" James had said.

"I know. And we never will, right?!" I had whispered as my eyes found his hazel ones.

"Of course not" he replied. "We've proven that we belong in each other's lives. Besides I feel that you know me better than anyone, even better than Lily in fact."

I didn't know how to reply to this and simply said "We know one another better than we'll ever know anyone else."

I was confused to be honest. I know we had too much to drink, yet I still didn't understand why he was being so emotional all of a sudden. We already knew how strong our friendship was, we didn't usually talk about this. I voiced this with him.

James' face carried its usual smile as he said "It just that when you get married you think of all your big moments in life…. and I realised, that you're in all of mine."

I clasped his hand in the dark and simply said "I feel the same", hoping that he would understand. I would never be able to put into words how much he meant to me.

"Besides" James said. "Who knows what tomorrow will bring? You have to say these things while you still can."

"You're the best friend I have and ever will have James" I replied. I then turned the conversation more light hearted and joked "Hopefully for you tomorrow will bring a wedding!"

James had beamed and we fell asleep on the sofa, hands still clasped.

Standing next to my best friend at his wedding was a surreal experience. It seemed only yesterday that we were sitting on the Hogwarts Express on our way to the castle for the first time. I could almost feel James shaking next to me; anxious with anticipation. We may age and go through different phases in life but we would always be standing next to each other – like we were during the sorting, when we got our first detention and during graduation.

The reception was very happy as it was just Lily, James and I. I had the honour of doing the speech and as usual it was filled with jokes and embarrassing moments for Prongs. Lily laughed the entire way through and it was soon time for the first dance. James and Lily took to the dance floor and were swaying back and forth to some slow, romantic song. I then danced with Lily myself and even James when Lily went to the restroom. As the evening drew to a close and we made our way outside of the hall. Lily hugged James tightly. He looked over to me and rolled his eyes. Straight away we were both reminded of the day we met and we both burst out laughing. Lily just looked back at me with confusion etched on her face. James hugged me and off they walked through the door.

When James told me that he was going to be a father I couldn't take it in. He didn't seem old enough and times were difficult, but suddenly I could picture all of us teaching the mini Marauder how to ride a broomstick. James couldn't calm down and I was reminded of the time when James had come bounding into our dormitory telling me that Lily had finally agreed to go on a date with him.

The day Harry was born; James turned to me happily and said "You'll be godfather, won't you?"

Finding out that James, Lily and Harry's life were in danger was the most terrifying moment in my life. Every other fear could be resolved yet I had no control over these events. Action needed to be taken quickly and it was soon decided that the fidelius charm would be used on the Potter's house. The only problem was who should be made secret keeper. James automatically wanted that role to go to me as he said that "as long as I was there, he would feel safe and protected."

Convincing the Potter's to make Peter the secret keeper at the last moment was the biggest mistake of my life. I still saw him as the timid, unintelligent school boy and never anticipated that he could cause so much damage. When I told James that I wanted to change the plan he looked severely unconvinced. It was me who reassured him and said that it was Remus (what was I thinking?) who was the traitor. James trusted me entirely though, and said that "he has always stuck by me and will continue to do so." He shouldn't have. He should have stood his ground and said that he wanted it to be me. That way he would be alive today.

The most devastating day of my life was in 1981 on the day of Halloween. I had felt uneasy all afternoon and when I turned up at Peter's to find the house empty, I knew something was terribly wrong. On the way to Godric's Hollow I prayed with all my strength that everything was fine. The rubble outside their cottage was my first indication that it was not.

Seeing my best friend's dead body was the most haunting thing I have ever witnessed. Even those years in Azkaban could not compare with the way I felt when I knew that it was my fault he had died. If I hadn't changed secret keeper he would still be here, filling the room with his infectious laugh. I stared down at his face and burst into tears. I would never see him mess up his hair, never see light behind those hazel eyes and never get to simply talk to him. At that moment a breeze shook through the house and his eyelashes flickered. For one crazy moment I thought he was opening his eyes and I cannot even begin to describe the disappointment I felt when his body remained the same.

Those months after James' death were the most difficult. I literally didn't talk and after a while just felt numb. He was the first person to accept me and make me feel happy. It felt like a part of me died with him and to this day, I know it will never return.

Slowly the pain subsided and I managed to focus on memories spent with James. Memories that were the happiest of my life. Now I realise that we had something that many people never get to experience. He was the first person in this entire world who ever made me feel loved and we were brothers. We shared everything together because we had a bond that meant that we knew when the other person was upset or worrying.

He's not gone, not really. He lives inside those who will always remember him for the amazing person he was. And of course there is Harry. The boy who looks so much like him and has so many of his tendencies. As long as Harry is around there will be a part of James on this planet. We were and still are a part of each other. I hope that wherever he is now, he is happy and I know that I will see him again. After all death is just the next great adventure.

Sometimes it feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest and whenever I feel this way I think of James. I think of every memory and how it made me feel. I think of the impact he made on my life and everybody around him. I knew him for ten years, yet if you watched every moment we ever had it would last forever. That will be more than enough until we meet again. After all I may have not had James for as long as I expected or hoped. But it was still far better than never having him at all.


End file.
